Okay… now everybody is screaming because the Kansas State Marching Band tried to perform a half-time formation of the Starship Enterprise attacking a representation of a giant Jayhawk and it wound up looking (to some) like a giant marching penis? People are taking OFFENSE at that? Demanding that the band director be fired or arrested? Commanding that KSU must be fined for indecency?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE AMERICAN PUBLIC? Have we become a nation of hyper-pedagogical puritanical morons?

Yes. Apparently so.

One accidental flash of Janet Jackson’s highly-unimpressive pierced nipple at the 2004 Superbowl nearly cost CBS and Viacom 4 million dollars in FCC fines; our great nation’s most vaunted sanctimonius assholes wallowed in seething outrage over the brief video glimpse (which also accidentally inspired the creation of YouTube—true story). But apparently the playing field has changed in the past decade. These days, Miley Cyrus hops around stage practically naked, nipples popping out everywhere, and gets showered with awards and praise for it; Kim Kardashian purposely drops pornographic sex tapes of herself all over the place and oils up her naked ass on magazine covers, and gets rewarded with millions in cable TV dollars and endorsement deals… college frat boys parade around Ivy League schools chanting exhortations exalting the fine old tradition of DATE RAPE, and barely get slapped on the wrist for it…

AND YET, somebody freaks out when a college marching band marches in such a way that they accidentally look more like a giant chicken-screwing dingus than a goddamn spaceship and PEOPLE GO INSANE in fits of mega-offended ultra-tight-assed judgmentalism because… I dunno, because they are between reruns of Duck Dynasty and 19 Kids and Counting or whatever other mind-bending trash they pour into their empty skulls all day?

I’m saddest about the missed opportunity. This had the potential of being one of the funniest, most entertaining accidents ever, only to be turned into a vicious puritanical talking point by a bunch of haughty, stupid, “offended” shitbags.

I mean, come on… marching space-ship chicken fellatio attack! Say it out loud. That’s AWESOME in its hilarity. What happened to the good old days when accidents like this were pretty much excused as simply an unexpected cause for a few moments of communal laughter? When did we start taking everything so seriously and letting narcissistic sanctimony turn everything into an excuse to whine and point fingers?

And just so you know, the “morally repugnant” incident everyone is screaming about lasts about 4 seconds and doesn’t really even look all that suggestive. It’s more “funny” than it is “obscene.” Plus, a giant marching attack penis that was ALSO a giant chicken-zapping Starship Enterprise. OMG, the geek cred alone is mind boggling.

Check it out:

Of course, the real culprit here is the internet. It gives everyone a bully pulpit, whether they deserve one or not, and somebody is always going to abuse it or use it to attempt to make themselves feel more important than they are at the expense of others. It is my personal suspicion that 95% of all ideological disputes between modern human beings can be diagnosed as paraphrased substitutions for the phrase “Oh, so you think you’re BETTER than me?” Such  ideological pissing contests aren’t new, of course, but with the advent of social media we now have bigger and better ways of waving them in the face of more people than ever before. And the internet now gives us a bigger peek through the little glass window into the crazy ward of sputtering outrage which exists at the far edges of our online interaction. But seriously: some of these puritanical nut jobs need to relax and take a break before their heads explode.

And for the record: I hope this posts offends every such sanctimonious asshole out there. Whiny turds in the punch bowl of life, every one.